El Segundo, CA
Sunday, May 18th, 2008

The last update?

Hey, everybody.

After writing this, and discussing it a little with my parents, I'm still hesitant about sending it out. It's a long one, and kind of heavy. It may be the last update that I write, almost certainly the last in this format. A lot of my life is on the web for everyone to look at, which is reason for a pause; and on the other hand, the updates seem to want to expand themselves to a larger and more public mailing list, possibly a more public site. I don't know which direction to take, or what all the moral and practical considerations are. It remains to be seen where my integrity lies. As usual, y'all are my sounding board. What do you think? Where would you like to see these emails go, in the future?

- R

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End of Junior Year update

        I'll say this right up front: I have no idea what I'm doing. I've been waiting to write an update for weeks; I've finally written a couple pages of stream-of-consciousness lists and ponderings. Why this is so hard, and why it's taking me so long, I'm beginning to have a grip on. What it means is something else entirely.

        I'm going to try to combine two updates: an event update on actual happenings and a meta-update covering "what the heck is really going on", to coin a phrase. If you appreciate gingerly self-analytical writing, read on. For the ordinary daily adventures, I'm afraid you may have to wait impatiently.

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        This isn't an easy update to write, and I don't exactly know why. I think something fundamental has changed since the last one, but whether that's in plans, or future, or outlook is not clear. What I'm going to do is to go ahead and detail as much as I can stand to write on the events that have transpired in the past few weeks, and see what comes up.

        Reality was reasonably successful, and all kinds of fun. Every vice was indulged, every pleasure enjoyed. I spent a decent amount of time and effort in the collective junior drive. Actually, it's the most fun I've had over a Reality weekend before. Lots of delicious mimosas and other drinks; early mornings with coffee, fruit and infinite stacks of Krispy Kreme boxes; middays of festive games, food and chillings-out; late nights of dancing and debauchery; and best of all, lots and lots of time with the boyfriend.

        Leaving and end of year prep was kind of bad and always drives me crazy. (Jason was really helpful here, too.) I managed to store everything with relative ease - but only relative to a worst-case scenario. I have things in storage in about five locations, and that's a lot of stuff. Also, at (literally) one in the morning I found out I'd scheduled a shuttle for the wrong day, and that I actually had an extra day on campus. Fun, in the end - I got to watch everyone leave, and baked lots and lots of bread - but also seriously disorienting and lonely-making, as all the familiar buildings were left hollow and lifeless. (On a small, miraculous note - I've been telling everyone about how I'm going to throw these awesome dinner parties and cookouts at my room next year. The most important component of this plan, a small Weber hibachi, has been not only found and secured but actually stored for me by a group of freshmen men. Totally amazing.)

        Two items that happened before leaving, though. One, I get a call from Fajah (that's my dad) late at night. He says he's just talked to Ben at LAMI, and that Ben's said they really, really want me to come and are asking how soon I can show up. Thinking about having to say "No, I can't, I don't have money" just about kills me and I choke up. Then Fajah says that, basically, I'm going to be on the brigs whether or not money shows up and we'll find a way to have it work. So he comes in for the heroic rescue, and plans go forward to have me on the boats pretty soon after coming home.

        Around this time, I also go back to student services for Round Two of the "Where on Earth's the Money?" game. I do finally get the right person. She's happy, she's excited, she remembers me, she thinks my life is awesome and is overjoyed to help me move forward with my wonderful plans. We talk for twenty minutes before lunch about places to write and people to ask about getting funding. It looks hard, but I think I may be able to work something.

        Now we get to more recent news. Almost the first thing that happens when I get home (after a no-problems shuttle pickup, nonstop airplane ride, and a fabulous dinner at P.F. Chang's) is that Vati (that's also my dad) and I have another conversation. This time, he's got a proposal for me. The basic tenets are these: He will pay me approximately what the Hodson would have for working the brigs over the summer, if I will in return put some particular information together for him about LAMI. Specifically, he wants intelligence and inside information on LAMI's TopSail program as an opportunity for the investment of his time and money. My job is to get, and analyze from the point of view of an intelligent person with real insight into education, data. This is data on LAMI as an organization; what makes the program different from other youth programs or science camps; why the boats are important; and how to keep kids from being miserable in school.

        And, to reflect a moment: Do I think I can do this? My response is: "Heck, yeah." I was practically born to do this; it's right up my teaching/education future. (And incidentally, falls in with my deeply ingrained "no money but every need covered" habit.)

        So here I am on the boats. After talking with him that morning, I have about a 3-hour turnaround (remember, I'd gotten home the night before) until I'm ready to ship out. Fortunately I do manage to stay home one night, although Vati and I run down to the office in San Pedro to sign paperwork and take a drug test in the afternoon. And then, the next day, I'm down with my duffel, satchel and sleeping bag, ready to hop on the Catalina Express and meet the brigantines in Two Harbors to jump straight into the middle of a four-day voyage. LAMI needs people; they need good people and they need them badly.

        How is this going? Pretty friggin' well. I fit in perfectly on the boats. I'm good on the water and I'm good with the kids. So far, I love it, more than I realized for the first couple of days. It really does feel like a natural match. Part of me wonders how long I'm going to be here and how I'll feel at the end of the summer. The folks at LAMI are such a tightly-knit group, and they've made me one of their own. On the boats, I share my possibility of education with just about everyone,and I see so much potential and so much room for expansion at LAMI. I even see the potential to really expand there myself - to take on their challenge as my own. As in, the plan for after Peace Corps may be changing, or rather coming together, here. There's no money, but it's a real tribe. And I could work here very well.

        For the rest of the summer - talking to the boyfriend a lot, looking forward to him visiting. Reading War and Peace, hopefully making a few handicrafts. Considering expanding the updates over the summer, despite the fact that they've gotten so hard to write. Being super fit and tanned. Making big plans for senior year, a pilgrimage to Spain, the Peace Corps. And living on the boats and showering every young person who comes aboard with all the "unconditional like" I can muster.
      
        Now to go all meta-updatey on you. Is this a time of huge creation and change, like right before SJC? I think so. My adult, or young adult life is finally coming into focus, and it's huge. And amazing. Easy in some ways; wonderful; I can't wait. I've felt like an adult at school; now I'm starting to feel like one at home. I'm beginning to see the path I have, separate from my family, even though I couldn't make any progress on it without them. Whether or not it's reasonable, on the brigantines I feel truly independent, and as though all possibilities are open to me. Lots of new feelings, and new futures, seem to be coming in. I didn't get actual money in my bank account for this, but I'm doing what I want anyways - miraculously. A larger framework is beginning to present itself. The "blank years" between twentysomething and thirtysomething are starting to be filled with ideas, and new happinesses and joys.

        So there you have it. I am becoming an adult, not just by society's or even my parents' standards, but by my own. I am becoming - this is going to sound strange - something I am not yet and do not quite see. I've made it past the identity-building stage of life; and whatever this is, going on now, whatever the next stage is, I'm pounding through the beginning murkiness right now. I have no idea what to call it, or what it is. When I know more, so will you, dear readers - and until then, thanks for keeping up.

Roxanne